Family..How I Miss It

For 24 years and 6 months of my life, I was in the protective cocoon of my home and family. Around 3 weeks back my life took a dramatic turn and I landed in the US, all alone without any family member. That is when I realized the true meaning and importance of having your family close to you.

Don't get me wrong, I have always immensely loved and respected my family. However, there are quite a few things that I had taken for granted all these years. Also, there were things that I had become so accustomed to that I did not realize how much I will miss them. Small and trivial things, such as sitting  in my room and listening to my mom watching soap operas in her room, having silly fights with my sister, those 15 minute chatting sessions with my dad after he came home at 10.30 PM, Sunday dinners with everyone, my mom hugging me for no reason once in a while, etc. Also, there are so many chores that I never had to worry about when I was at home, such as washing the clothes, making my bed, breakfast/lunch/dinner, etc. Then there was the unconditional love you get from your parents, siblings and grandparents. I think there is no other place in this world where a person can be loved so truly and completely, and accepted with all of his/her imperfections, except your own home.

There were so many times when during arguments/fights with my parents, I would say to them, "I will be better off staying alone with no one to interfere in my life!" I admit how wrong I was. I now understand that it was their interference in my life that made it so smooth.I really miss those instructions that I received from my parents, all those advisories about where to go, when to be back home, what to do and what not to do, how to go about a problem, etc. In short, I miss their constant interference in my day to day life.

Probably for the first time in my life, I am independent and completely on my own, and that also in a country like the US. It sounds really exciting and fun, but for me it's not. It is hard surviving on your own with no one for moral support. It's hard knowing that no one is waiting for you at home and coming back to an empty house. It's hard not having your near and dear ones with you to discuss your feelings, your fears, and your apprehensions with. But it's the hardest just being away from your family!

I feel extremely lonely and scared. In the past few days, all I have been thinking about is whether I made the right decision by coming here to do my MBA and spending such a humongous amount of money. Will I be able to survive in such a competitive MBA program and get a good internship/job? How will I be able to live without my family for so long?

I don't know where life will take me and what will become of me. I guess I will figure out as I go along.

Signing Off,
Aastha

I Hate December!!!

Yes, yes..Before you all spell it out for me, I agree that this post is officially 2 weeks late. Half of January has already passed by, and now I come around to write about December. In my defense, let me clarify that I had written and re-written it in my mind around 3 weeks back, but could not get it on my blog, because of—a cliched answer—lack of time. I had eventually thought of not writing this post at all, but then I realized a few things:
1. I did not have any other topic to write on.
2. My blog had gone too long without an update.
3. Better late than never!
4. It's MY blog, so that gives me the liberty to write about anything I want. :-) :-)

OK, enough of blabbering. Now back to the topic at hand. For majority of the world population, the month of December is considered to be the best among all the 12 months. It is the last month of a year—so it's seen as a month of festivals, parties, vacations (for some people at least), generally a good time. But for me, December has turned out to be the worst month, at least for the last two years. Even before 2010, I was not too fond of December simply because it signifies the official arrival of Winters—a season I absolutely HATE!! There's nothing I like about this season. The fog, the chilly winds, the fruits (Orange - YUCK!!), just about everything. However, the last two Decembers, that is, 2010 and 2011 have been disastrous for me personally in one way or the other. Let me take you through each of them separately.

December 2010: This month spelled doom for me on the professional front. I got staffed on the most horrible project to date, which got screwed up badly (partly due to my fault, but majorly due to someone else). On top of that, I got such a PL (project lead), that I don't have words to describe. Let me just say that for the first time, I cried (yes, actually cried with tears pouring down my face) over office work—both at home and in the office itself. It was a lesson in firsts for me, because I experienced certain things for the very first time in my life:
 - I stayed in office till 9 or 10 PM everyday for 4 weeks straight.
 - I did a night-out in office, meaning that I arrived at 8.30 AM and left at 6.00 AM the next day.
 - I worked on all the weekends in December 2010, for minimum 12 hours each, on Saturday and Sunday.
 - I made stupid mistakes in my work, which I would normally never do.
 - I got scolded by my PL on more than one occasion, through all communication means possible—face-to-face, through e-mail, on the phone, on the IM, etc.
 - I got the worst possible feedback I have ever received in my professional life.

You can very well imagine my state. Each and everything that took place during that time is engraved in my memory in agonizing detail. It suffices to say that I still shudder whenever I remember any instance of that period. Believe me I am not exaggerating when I say that I still sometimes get nightmares about that project, and wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat breaking out on my forehead.

Till two months after the project ended, I was very scared and unsure of my work, with zero confidence on my capabilities.I am still surprised that I survived through that ordeal at work, and eventually gained my self-confidence back.

December 2011: This was again the worst month of 2011 for me. On the professional front, it was perfect (except for the first week, but that's something else altogether). I got easy projects with an Awesome PL, and some really cool feedbacks. However, on the personal and home front, it was all screwed up! There were too many fights and too many unpleasant scenarios. After controlling my temper and not fighting with anybody for 4 months (which is no mean feat, considering that I am famous, or rather infamous, in my family for arguing with my folks at least thrice a week), all hell broke lose. I fought, shouted, screamed and yelled on petty things, had some nasty fights with my parents. I don't know what happened, maybe some chemical imbalance,  but it was like everybody is out to provoke me and calling for a fight. Basically, it was a very stressful, frustrating and unpleasant month for me.

Things got much much better with the start of January, and have gone uphill since then.

I just hope 2012 breaks the December jinx for me! I am positively tired of this month, and the new trials it brings with it.

So, which is your least favorite month of the year? Do let me know.

Signing Out,
December Fearing Soul!

Is LOVE Real?

I had initially thought of writing a post recounting my experience of a recent trip to Thailand. I had even drafted a rough post in my mind. But, I changed my mind at the last minute. So, here's a post which is probably the most serious and thoughtful one I have ever written.

For the last 2-3 weeks, most of my conversations with friends have started or ended with the topics love, commitment, heartbreak, crush or girlfriends/boyfriends. Also, everywhere I look, I see people either in a committed relationship and looking towards marriage, or trying to work out a long distance relationship and missing their partners, or people desperately searching for love, or people suffering from one-sided love and trying to come to terms with their feelings.

Then, a few days ago one of my very close friends in office asked me, "Have you ever been in love or a in a relationship?" I replied, "No." When he asked my why, I told him that I never found anyone. I also declared that I was happily and willingly single. After that we moved on to other topics. However, somewhere in my mind his question kept nagging me and as I thought about it more and more, I became quite confused, and my inner turmoil grew. This one question had led to numerous other questions in my mind.

The first question I have is: What is LOVE?


I have been around many couples who claim they are deeply in love with each, have seen hundreds of romantic movies—both Hindi and English—and romance is my favorite genre, have heard (and still enjoy listening to) thousands of romantic songs, and have read many many romantic novels (Mills and Boon, Harlequin, etc.) thanks to a friend in college who sent me a link to a large collection of free Mills and Boon e-books (I still read these books for pure fun and time pass, whenever I feel bored.). Despite all this, I have never been able to understand love. I would like to clarify so many things about it.
1. Is love instant, like love at first sight, or does love grow gradually between two people?
2. Can two complete strangers fall in love (as we see in movies and read in books), or is it necessary for two people to know each other before they fall in love (like Shahrukh Khan says in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, "Love is friendship. If a girl cannot be my best friend, then I can never love her.")?
3. How does one realize that the other person is the love of his/her life? Do you just know, or is there some special sign?
4. Does love necessarily involve a physical relationship, or can two people in love have a platonic relationship?
5. Also, can two people be in a physical relationship without being in love with each other? - I would like to explain the root of this question. Well, as I mentioned above, I have read numerous contemporary romance novels over the last 3-4 years. The one thing I found common in it was that a man and woman met each other and felt a sudden physical chemistry. They lusted after each other and after some avoidance and hesitation ended up having sex. This happened mostly mid way through the book. However, they did not fall in love and proclaim their love to each other till the last or second last page of the book. So, I always wondered, how can two people have a purely sexual relationship without any emotions?

The second question which I have is: What does it feel like to be in LOVE?


Maybe because I haven't experienced this feeling ever, I am ignorant, and hence, asking this question. But I have always wanted to know that what happens to a person when he/she falls in love with someone that it alters his/her personality completely. A perfectly logical and rational human being suddenly starts behaving in foolish and crazy ways. I have observed people's priorities change, outlook towards life change, relationship with others change and several different changes. So, just like my first big questions, I would like to understand some things here too.
1. When a person falls in love, do all the other things, like family, friends, career, etc., take a back seat and only that one person becomes the number one priority?
2. Does being in love mean that you keep constant tabs on your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/fiance and give him/her an update about everything that you have done in a day or are doing at that very instant, including something as trivial as watching TV?
3. Does being in love make you totally unaware of your surroundings and your life revolves around that one special person in your life?
4. Does it become difficult to spend even one minute or second apart from each other, and your thoughts are constantly crowded only by him/her?
5. Does loving your partner feel the same like loving your parents, siblings and family, so much that life without him/her is unthinkable and unimaginable?
6. Does love make you forgiving and you are ready to forgive anything wrong your partner has done? Does being in love make you strong enough to forgive something as serious as infidelity?
7. Does being in love leaves you at the mercy of only one person, so much that you are willing to do absolutely anything, go to any lengths, to make that person your own, or have him/her love you back?
8. If a person can fall in love, then can he/she fall out of love too, or is he/she is bound to love only one person for the rest of his/her life, irrespective of the fact that he/she may not receive that same love in return?
9. Does being in love give you the strength to fight all the superficial barriers of caste, religion, age, traditions, rituals, etc., which the society has put up?
10. Is love a strength or a weakness?

My very last question is more for myself and I cannot seem to find an answer for it: Can I see myself falling in love with someone and feeling this powerful emotion?
Some days back, a colleague in office did a psychological test on me. After the test she told me that I am ready for a commitment, that I am ready to take the plunge and not wary of it. Also, I was told by someone once long back that I am a very passionate person and when I fall in love, it will be a very passionate relationship and I would give myself completely to it, so much that I would not care about the world, society, my family, or anyone else.
However, when I think about it, I feel differently. Somehow, I cannot see myself loving someone so intensely. I might be wrong, but this is my personal opinion. All my life I have been friends with so many guys that I have lost count. But I have never ever felt anything other than a friendly liking for any of them. So, I am totally clueless in this matter.

If you have answers to any of the questions I asked above, then do give them to me. It would help me to understand this emotion much better.

Signing Off,
Clueless about Love